I got the call right as I was going over my lines for a
scene I was struggling to memorize. “We’ve
decided to go with another actress for the lead role.” The role I had been
working on and developing for six months.
Six months! The role I thought was mine after several starts and stops,
dizzying cast changes, and several directors.
I’m still processing it. But as I think back, I see a lot of
red flags. To be honest, I wasn’t having fun. I was starting to dread it. I felt…uneasy. Sometimes spending time with
my husband or just being in front of the TV sounded better. And I didn’t
realize how much time I devoted to this role. With so much free time now, I’ve
been doing so much.
I should have listened to that voice that was telling me “Something
isn’t right about this.” I ignored it,
and now I’m resentful, my confidence is shaken, and I feel as if I wasted my
time. Over and over, my instincts told me to get out, give up, throw in the
towel, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to
appear as a quitter or that I wasn’t up for the job. I kept telling myself, “It’s almost over,
just hang in there.”
So though I’m a little hurt, I remind myself that I wasn’t
punished but instead protected. Whatever
happens with the project is no longer any of my concern. I’m just glad that big weight has been
lifted.
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