Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I’m not being punished, I’m being protected

I got the call right as I was going over my lines for a scene I was struggling to memorize.  “We’ve decided to go with another actress for the lead role.” The role I had been working on and developing for six months.  Six months! The role I thought was mine after several starts and stops, dizzying cast changes, and several directors.

I’m still processing it. But as I think back, I see a lot of red flags. To be honest, I wasn’t having fun.  I was starting to dread it.  I felt…uneasy. Sometimes spending time with my husband or just being in front of the TV sounded better. And I didn’t realize how much time I devoted to this role. With so much free time now, I’ve been doing so much.

I should have listened to that voice that was telling me “Something isn’t right about this.”  I ignored it, and now I’m resentful, my confidence is shaken, and I feel as if I wasted my time. Over and over, my instincts told me to get out, give up, throw in the towel, but I didn’t.  I didn’t want to appear as a quitter or that I wasn’t up for the job.  I kept telling myself, “It’s almost over, just hang in there.”

So though I’m a little hurt, I remind myself that I wasn’t punished but instead protected.  Whatever happens with the project is no longer any of my concern.  I’m just glad that big weight has been lifted.